Daniel O'Sullivan
Friendship problems are one of the most common and most painful parts of childhood. Your child may come home in tears because they were left out at break time, or withdraw because a group has turned against them. Resilience is not about pretending it does not hurt. It is about giving your child the words, boundaries and support to cope, recover and try again. As a parent, you are not expected to solve every social problem. You are there to listen, coach and keep the lines of communication open.
Listen Without Rushing to Fix
When your child tells you about a friendship difficulty, the instinct to jump in is strong. You may want to ring the school, tell them to ignore the other child, or promise it will all blow over. Resist that urge for a moment. Your child first needs to feel heard. Try saying, “That sounds really lonely. Tell me what happened.” Avoid phrases like “Just ignore them” or “They are not worth it”, which can make a child feel their pain is being dismissed.
Ask gentle, open questions: “What happened next?”, “What did you want to say?”, “How did your body feel?” Give them time to answer. Some children open up better side by side, such as in the car, while washing up or on a walk. Keep the conversation calm and unhurried. If they do not want to talk at that moment, let them know you are ready whenever they are.
- Validate first: “It makes sense that you feel upset.”
- Ask open questions: “What would you like to happen?”
- Use side-by-side time: chat during everyday routines rather than a formal sit-down.
- Avoid fixing everything: help them think through options rather than taking over.
Role-Play Responses Together
Children often know what they feel but not what to say. Practising responses at home can build confidence. Keep it light and brief, perhaps using toys or puppets for younger children. Swap roles so they can see the situation from another angle. Rehearse a few simple lines they can use in the moment.
- Assertive phrases: “I do not like it when you say that. Please stop.”
- Exit strategies: “I need a break. I am going to play with someone else.”
- Broken record: repeat the same calm phrase if the behaviour continues.
- Join-in lines: “Can I play too?” or “That looks fun. Room for one more?”
Also plan where they can go if a situation feels unsafe or unkind: the library, a quiet club, a trusted midday supervisor or a teacher. Rehearse what they will say to an adult. After school, ask how it went and praise any brave attempt, even if the outcome was not perfect.
Teach Empathy and Boundaries
Empathy helps children understand that others have feelings, but it should not become an excuse for poor behaviour. You can say, “Maybe they were having a bad day, and it is still not okay to be spoken to like that.” This teaches both compassion and self-respect. Boundaries are not mean. They are instructions for how we want to be treated.
Talk about what makes a good friendship: kindness, listening, sharing, saying sorry and respecting no. Help your child notice when a friendship feels one-sided or unkind. Let them know it is okay to step back from someone who repeatedly hurts them. Do not force forgiveness or demand they stay friends to keep the peace. Model healthy boundaries yourself, and show how to repair relationships when you make a mistake.
Keep School in the Loop
Schools can only help with what they know. If issues continue, contact your child’s form tutor, class teacher or head of year. Share facts rather than labels: dates, times, what was said, who was involved and how your child has been affected. Ask for practical support rather than immediate punishment.
- Request adjustments: seating changes, buddy systems or supervision at break times.
- Ask about groups: lunchtime clubs, friendship groups or quiet spaces.
- Agree a plan: what staff will do, what your child will do, and when you will review it.
- Keep a record: brief notes can help everyone see patterns over time.
Stay calm and collaborative, even if you are worried. Ask what you can do at home to reinforce the school’s approach. A joint plan is far more effective than a one-off complaint.
Build Everyday Resilience
Resilience is built in ordinary moments, not just during crises. Protect sleep, movement, play and downtime. Children cope better when they have at least one warm, reliable friendship and interests outside the tricky group. Encourage hobbies, clubs and family rituals that remind them who they are beyond this problem.
- Model coping: “I felt nervous today, so I took some breaths and asked for help.”
- Praise effort: notice when they try a new response or ask an adult for support.
- Avoid over-scheduling: rest and free play are not wasted time.
- Let them solve small problems: scaffold without taking over, unless safety is at risk.
When to Seek Further Support
Most friendship difficulties ease with time, listening and a clear plan. Seek extra help if your child is refusing school, changing eating or sleeping habits, self-harming, expressing hopelessness, or becoming withdrawn for several weeks. Speak to your GP, the school’s pastoral team or your local family support service. You do not have to manage this alone. With steady support, children can learn that friendship problems are painful but survivable, and that they are capable of finding their way through.
